


what I mean, always, is that I miss you

by coslyons



Category: The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Gen, background Legolas/Gimli, discussion of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-04
Updated: 2019-09-04
Packaged: 2020-10-09 05:24:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20511905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coslyons/pseuds/coslyons
Summary: In October, Sam started to dream of the sea.





	what I mean, always, is that I miss you

**Author's Note:**

> So uh, the last chapter of rotk grabbed me by the throat and shot-putted me into this fic. Not edited and not read through. I wrote this in a fever dream
> 
> Title from Alain Ginsberg’s “the worst part of being alive is you can only kill yourself once”

It started out small; just a quick whiff of brine where he wasn’t expecting it, a grit on his skin that didn’t seem right. They were things that were easy enough to pass off as fits of a troubled mind and overactive imagination. Something like a trick of the light, an illusion. He would have paid no mind at all to it had it stayed so small.

In October, Sam started to dream of the sea. 

It wasn’t a storming sea, trying to pull him beneath the waves to drown him. It was a smooth, glassy sea, blue and crystalline. It felt like something he might have pulled from his wildest fantasies of water in M—-in that horrible place. The water was the perfect temperature to cool his feet as he sat in the warm sand. He would sit there for hours and hours, just watching the sea reflecting the clear blue sky above him, watching the seabirds wheel overhead, watching the span of the horizon. 

In November, Sam realized that he was searching for something on the horizon. As soon as he realized that, all peace disappeared from the dream. He could feel people on the other side of the sea: Mr. Frodo, and Gandalf, and Elrond, and Mr. Bilbo. Sam tried wading into the sea, but the waves pushed him back. Farther down the coast, ships with huge white sails flew across the waves like birds, disappearing behind the horizon. He woke up every morning with his chest hurting for how he couldn’t seemed to reach the other side of the sea. 

In December, Legolas and Gimli came to stay for a while during the holidays. They'd been in the area and a rather unseasonable storm had blown in, and so Sam had invited them right in to Bag End to stay for a time.

“What I would give for a good gherkin,” said Gimli as they sat in Sam’s living room smoking. “A nice bread and butter pickle to go with tea.”

Sam felt himself go a bit green around the edges even thinking about it. “Oh, Rosie and me, we don’t keep them in the house any more.”

Legolas looked up sharply. “Is there a reason?”

“I’ve found the brine of them doesn’t agree with me anymore. It’s a bit off putting, if I’m honest.”

Legolas hummed. “I hadn't realized that you felt it as well.”

“Felt what?”

“The sea-longing.” Legolas leaned forward. “Tell me, Sam: do you dream of the sea?”

The clock mantelpiece ticked loudly.

“Yes,” he said finally. “I’ve begun to dream about the sea lately. It’s a bit worrying sometimes, but I haven’t had a chance to take a trip to the coast yet, so surely it can’t be urgent.”

“On the contrary.” Legolas stood. “This may be very urgent indeed.”

He walked over to Gimli, leaning down and whispering in the lilting language of the elves. Gimli pressed their foreheads together, and they kissed before Gimli took his pack and walked into the kitchen to offer his assistance with supper.

Legolas settled back into his chair. “Now, Samwise Gamgee. Tell me of your dreams.”

“Oh, I mostly just get the urge to go to the other side of the sea. I’m always very sad when I wake up, because in my dream I know that the other side is beautiful.”

Legolas frowned. “That is a crossing that you cannot go back from.”

“It can’t be so bad, crossing the sea.” Sam fidgeted with his pipe. “Why, then I'd get to see Mr. Frodo again. I've been missing him something terrible since he went away.”

“Yes. I miss my father, and Gandalf as well. Both have followed that call, and I will not see them again in this age.” 

Legolas sighed, and for a moment looked as though he meant to say something else, but he remained silent. 

Tentatively, Sam asked, “Why won't you see them? Don’t you ever think of following the call of the sea, Mr. Legolas?”

“Sometimes it tempts me, but no.” Legolas touched the beaded braid hanging behind his right ear. “I've long since made the decision to stay here in Middle Earth with my beloved. The decision is the important part, which is how I know the sea won’t call me away until I am ready. But from time to time the sea calls louder than usual. I always hear the waves in the back of my mind, you know.”

They sat for a while without speaking, each of them walking their own dark thoughts.

“Does it ever go away?”

“No,” Legolas said. “No, I don’t think it does.”


End file.
